he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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