I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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