If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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