my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize
