I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
