Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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