I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
