You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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