I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
