Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
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