so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
