Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
