Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
