My hand turned me down
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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