i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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