Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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