as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
