I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
