Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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