Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize