im six kinds of drunk right now
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
