News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
