I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
party gras won. party gras always wins.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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