fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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