i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
