im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
