I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
