just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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