somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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