apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
