News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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