Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
