saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
