soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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