Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize