this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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