His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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