Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
The best revenge is premature balding
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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