i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
