how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
