I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
