the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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