Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
