I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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