Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
