just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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