I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
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