Christians are straight up FREAKS
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
