Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
whose parrot is this?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize