Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize