You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
