I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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