Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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