my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
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