He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
